February 16, 2011

The Peanut Butter Hypocrite

I remember when I was a little girl, too young to possibly conceive all the random impossibilities of my future, and young enough to imagine that someday they'd happen.
I was probably about six years old, still growing up like a wild child on my family's five acre property, and continually following my older brothers around - blissfully ignoring them when they stopped, ten feet ahead of me in the woods, to yell 'Stop following me!'.

The brother closest to me was around ten by this time, and, in his mind, superior in every way. And as such, I should listen to every word he ever said and either leave him alone, or obey his every command. We were both very strong willed children and fought often.
However, although I despised him with every fiber in my body, he was good for two things:

One, entertaining myself by purposefully getting him in trouble with my parents. This was often accomplished by howling in saddened anger and blaming him for something he may not have done. Yes, I know I was a horrible child.

And two, he was, and is to this day, very good at explaining foreign concepts(regardless of whether or not he actually understood them) and new words to my then six year old mind.

One day he began complaining about how absolutely hypocritical our eldest brother was acting. Oh what a horrible ordeal to be told that 'no you can't use the computer' and then watch in complete horror as your older sibling steps around you, sits down decidedly in front of the computer, and blithely opens Age of Empires as he tries to hold back a proud smirk. Oh the horror. The unjustness!

"What is a hypocrite?" My question was initially answered by a stare of complete and total condescension. How could I manage not to know the answer to this? What a stupid six year old I must be.
"Well it's... it's... It's like this..." A pensive gaze was sent up towards the ceiling, one arm crossed over his chest, the other resting upon that, a hand intelligently stroking his chin. "A hypocrite is someone who tells you to do something, and the goes and does what they told you not to..." This explanation was not at all satisfactory. Not even a little bit. "I don't understand." The growl of frustration my brother directed at me was akin to the growl of disgust a dog gives to it's clumsy pup - only far more irritated. "Of course you don't. It's like this *long pause of thought*" There was a jar of Adams Peanut Butter sitting on the counter. Adams Peanut Butter was the only kind of peanut butter we ever bought. Not only was it relatively healthy, but it was affordable, there was a ton of it, and well, it was Adams! This fortunate jar of peanut butter was spotted by my brother and in his infinite wisdom he stated triumphantly "If you told me not to eat any peanut butter, and then you went and ate some peanut butter you would be a hypocrite!"

The sheer amazingness of what I had just been told overwhelmed me. I had been enlightened to an entire new world. Hypocrisy. Now while the impressiveness of telling someone not to do something and then going and doing that very thing only lasted a short while, the impression of a peanut butter hypocrite was forever imprinted on my young, six year old mind.

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