January 29, 2011

I'm Really Not Good With Days

I have a new nickname. It's Sunday. Because I, like an idiot, thought it was Sunday. It's Saturday. Bravo me, bravo.

Foreign People Shouldn't Talk To Me On The Bus

OHMAHGAWD it's Saturday. I just had to get that out.
I was riding the bus home yesterday because I have no car and so I ride the bus home and I'm sitting behind this little Asian dude.

I now firmly believe that no one should ever talk to me on the bus because if they're foreign, I'll screw something up, and if they're not foreign, I'll feel a little creeped out.

Anyways, back to Asian dude, he pulls the cord for Wal-Mart and then turns around and asks if the bus goes to Wal-Mart and I say yeah this is it but you have to use the cross walk over there to get to it.
Either he didn't hear me or he didn't understand or something but he didn't get off the bus and then I felt horrible because I made the little Asian dude miss his stop! And then I got really scared he'd like freak out and start bitching me out so I pretended to be asleep (I felt like I was giving a very horrible representation to American teenagers but it was probably very accurate so I'm not too worried) because being yelled at by little Asian dudes in foreign languages is really freakin' scary to me. It's right up there with spiders, drowning, and being eaten by an orc or that creepy dead thing from The Messengers!

I started having all these mental images of...
Asian Dude - "Wung chee hao ba fjsdlkbns idswj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Me - *blush blush ignore blush apologize blush feeling very small and insignificant*

Bus Driver - "Miss you need to get off the bus because this gentleman has a problem with you."

Me - *Standing on the side of the highway looking very waif-like and staring after the bus*

Asian Dude - *Grinning triumphantly and waving like the creepy clown from It as the bus leaves me stranded in the middle of nowhere*


Me - WHY GOD WHYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!

Right then and there I decided that I would never talk to anyone foreign about the bus on the bus ever again and if anyone ever asked me then I would assume a pretend accent and be a complete ignoramus and pray to god that I'd never meet them again.

Boyfriend says this isn't much better than confusing an Asian on the bus and making him miss his stop but I firmly disagree.

January 28, 2011

Annoying People - There's No Description Of How Awful They Are.

I woke up at 3:37 A.M. with the express purpose of having something I wanted to blog about. Then I went back into la-la-crazy-like-a-bag-lady Dream Land and when I woke up at an hour no longer offensive to god and all things holy, I forgot what it was. And now, as a result, I don't have anything to blog about.

Ever met someone who is really really cool? OR SO YOU THOUGHT!!! And then all of a sudden you have this huge complicated mess because you're almost obligated to still be nice to them because they tricked you with their assumed coolness facade into being nice to them in the first place! If you just stopped being nice to them you just start feeling like a horrible person. It's akin to going to the pet shelter and buying a cute little kitten. You bring it home, you make it a bed, you buy it food, a few toys, and a big carpeted playhouse thing (you know what I'm talking about right?). And everything is just fine for the first little while until all of a sudden you wake up and you realize, you hate cats! Hate them with a fiery burning passion that consumes your soul. But, just in case you might be having an off, somewhat bipolar day, you keep the poor cat around for a couple more days. The only thing that ever accomplishes is to make you hate it more. And finally, in the throes of misery, you toss the cat out on the street and attempt to turn your house back into a livable space where no one would ever suspect that you'd ever had a cat at any point in time ever because, guess what, most of your friends hate cats too.
Well your house is back to normal. But your porch isn't. That cat sits there and mews and meows and mraows all day long. And when it gets dark and normal people are sleeping, it sits there and howls a little louder. It's all confused and pathetic - doesn't realize how irritating it is!
Obviously, it's a little difficult to just toss out the supposedly cool person on the We're Not Friends St. like you just tossed out the cat. So you try a new approach: the Let's Make You Make New Friends That I Don't Have To Be Friends With So You Like Them And I Can Sneakily Leave. Ordinarily this would work. But now it's just like taking a dog to the dog park. You think, "Yay! New doggy friends! I can just leave you here..." But then you get sucked into talking to all the other dog people and pretty soon you're being conned into going to Dog Shows and trying out the latest all in one Anti-Flea, Anti-Dander, Anti-Shedding, Anti-Mud, Anti-Barking, Anti-Everything, Turn-Your-Dog-Into-A-Moving-Stuffed-Animal Bottled Shampoo! (Available now for $129.99 [This product was not tested on live animals])
And the real kicker? You still have your dog.
Annoying people are impossible to get rid of. Because no matter how far away you move, they're like homing pigeons - they always manage to find you. Finally you just talk to them as little as possible and force them to direct their annoying characteristics at some other poor, unfortunate fool who, like you, gets gulled into thinking they're cool.

Disclaimer: I love cats. I really do.

January 27, 2011

I woke up this morning and immediately knew I was sick. So I tried to pretend I wasn't sick. Yeah that really didn't work because apparently, no matter how hard you pretend you believe or even straight up believe that you aren't sick, you're still sick. It's unreasonably unfair.
So when I get sick, I become extremely cuddly, really pouty, and rather um well frankly, brain-dead. Nothing really works. I get put in a perpetual state of vegetation until the stupid cold goes away. Because of this, simple motory skills, like texting, become a feat of impossibility. It's me battling the buttons. The buttons usually win. I tried to text a friend a short, three sentence text that basically said 'Hi. I just saw you. But I didn't say hi.' you know, that general effect........... It took me three fucking minutes! The buttons just weren't computing. Or my brain wasn't. Or my fingers weren't working. Something is definitely wrong. On the bright side, I seem to be typing relatively normally, and my vocabulary hasn't died too much.
This is my second blog post today, the first one was on The Blaargh Blog. The Blaargh Blog is amazing. It's like a super weird random site where my sister and I can share our super weird random thoughts and experiences. It's perfect! Perfect like Marilyn Monroe, or Audrey Hepburn. You know Audrey Hepburn is amazing. She was one of the most incredible actresses of all time! Some people should just never die. Never die... Gulliver's Travels is good too. Yeah um if you're really confused right now, this is how my brain works.

January 26, 2011

What, what, WHAT are you doing?

I must admit, I am a huge, and I mean gigantically massive fan of Sassy Gay Friend (search it on youtube, you'll see what I mean). This is relevant in a little while... I have two classes back to back in the morning. Biology and then English 102. Well, I was totally on my way to my second class, I WAS GOING! And then I ran into Mike, so I talked to Mike. And then I saw John. So I talked to John. And then I told "Ok, I really have to go to class................................. -doesn't move-........." Silence. Sad silence. "No really I should go. Tell me to go" Mike: "You should go to class."
John: "No you shouldn't. Stay."
"Grrrrrrrrrryyaaahhhhhh........................ -stares at the clock- I'm late....... I should go................. -doesn't move-"
And now I'm writing about how I didn't move, at all. And now I feel awful because I didn't go, I should have gone. WHY didn't I go?! So then I started having a conversation with myself as follows -
Me: What, what, WHAT are you doing?
Other Me: I don't know.
Me: This is English we're talking about. ENGLISH.
Other Me: I know but it's just so...
Me: Honey, he stabbed your dad through a curtain.
The Me That Thinks The Other Two Are Ridiculous: Oh god, what is wrong with me.

Yeah these are the conversations I have with myself.

January 24, 2011

Death Has Been Cheated... And So Has The Humane Society

Ok so the past few days have just been weird. Here's a little story. Or three.
My poor little dog, who really isn't so little, can't stay at my house anymore. And so it's off to the Humane Society we go! I wake up early, get in the shower, mope all morning, scowl, hold back growls, and generally stay in the worst mood possible. After fighting with a dumb leash and collar for five minutes and trying to get it on my dog, who's jumping and running and sniffing and whining everywhere at everything like a five year old on Redbull and Pixie Stix, I finally managed to load the poor, hyperactive animal into the back of the van and drive 30 minutes out to this little tiny shelter off in the middle of frickin' nowhere. Dead Silence. 30 minutes later we pull up to the small, grungy, should-be-a-meth-lab building and I jump out of the vehicle to walk precariously down the wet pavement in heeled boots with slippery soles. I kept having these flash images of what would happen. Walk walk walk hmmm this is slippery. Slip crash slide face+pavement=pain! Yeah no, not gonna happen. Anyways, I walked up to the door and tried the handle. LOCKED. Hmmmm.... Try the other door. LOCKED. Hmmmmmm... Oh look a sign on the door, the window, and the huge sign outside the building. "Starting January 1st, the Humane Society will be closed Sundays and Mondays". MWUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And so, if you haven't figured this out already, I still have my dog... If only for another few days. I feel like I just cheated death. That's right, I am God :)

January 23, 2011

My Last Conundrum

The Last Conundrum is a series of, well, letters. Letters to myself. Letters that are written from a perspective of sheer and complete ignorance about my future, my past, and most especially, my present state of living.
This is my Last Conundrum.